Codependency
I was sitting in an all-day training in 2004. It was the after-lunch session you know the one that you never want when you are going to speak because the lunch coma sets in and it can be challenging to keep others attention. That day I was a listener and there was no need to do anything more to keep me on the edge of my seat but disseminate the material. It could have been a robot delivering the content and it still would have been a day of revelation and transformation. Ahh, I thought, this is my challenge. I finally know what I am dealing with and why I feel and act as I do.
The topic was codependence. We learn codependence in our families growing up. There is a national organization called CoDA for people who have identified that they are unable to function without or well within relationships. In relationships where there is an addiction, there is always a codependent, someone who is enabling. At True Life Exchange we look at Codependence on a continuum, believing that we all operate in some measure of codependent behavior at times. There are three primary expressions of codependence. The caretaker/pleaser/rescuer, the persecutor/challenger/bully, and the victim. Each expression uses behavior as manipulation to get what we do and do not want from others. Each expression also has ties to our developmental stages as children. The caretaker finds worth in meeting other’s needs. The persecutor finds worth in forcing others to change. The victims find worth in getting others to do for them what they could do for themselves.
As believers, God calls us to be different in relationships. His plan is for us to be vulnerable. We refer to this as "entering the emotional danger", doesn't that sound fun? Real intimacy in-to-me-see. In the intimacy cycle, we are honest, vulnerable, we take responsibility for ourselves, not others, we stop blaming, we speak the truth in love, and we invite others to do the same. From our perspective, the only way we can operate in the cycle of true intimacy is by the spirit. As we say, "You are going to need Jesus for this. This reminds us that when we are not operating in the cycle of intimacy, we are operating in codependence, and that is fueled by our flesh. Our flesh is any way that we get our needs met outside of God. We are made for relationship with God, ourselves, and others. When we operate in codependence, we are putting all of our desire to feel connected to our relationships. It causes us to behave in ways that are manipulative no matter how nice we may seem.
How about you? Which expression seems to fit? Where did you learn this? What do you really want or need? Are you willing to stop or challenge how you have been interacting in relationships and enter the cycle of true intimacy?
For more information about how to recover from codependence and live in relational freedom email Anj at Anj@truelifeexchange.com
